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  • Writer's pictureMadeline Maxwell

Becoming the Darkness

I'm not sure if you have seen the show on Netflix called Ginny & Georgia - If you haven't I highly recommend!!! I will warn you, there is sex, 420, murder etc. all in this phenomenal show - BUT if you are not into those things... well they are in this show so use that as you will.

But there is a scene that is not only healing in so many ways for me BUT literally makes me cry every time I watch it - because it's a feeling I know all to well.

There is a part where Georgia (mother of Ginny) and she says “Fine, I’m not worthy of anything…but YOU are and it was up to me to make sure you got that”

I grew up being told I was always doing everything wrong, asked why I couldn't be more like my siblings, why did I have to talk so much etc.

This is how a woman should dress, "Madeline! Why would you wear that?! Are you asking for attention?" - the irony in this.. my outfits were picked out/approved for the longest time. Why do you all think I was wearing it...

*SIGH* Did you hear what Madeline did? What did she do this time? Why do you have to be the hard child? We don't know how to parent you..

I spent my entire childhood after being adopted chasing to be loved. Chasing the sense of safety and belonging.

By middle school + high school I had been placed in 2 children's homes, living separate from my siblings and family.

And this scene kills me. Because “Fine, I’m not worthy of anything…but YOU are and it was up to me to make sure you got that” I felt this for my siblings. I so badly never wanted them to feel or have the questions or thoughts I did growing up. I would have done anything. I tried.

I spent my entire life wondering why I wasn't worthy enough for those closest to me. Why I HAD to be separated and watch my siblings grow up in ways I dreamed for myself.. to come home for someone's birthday or a holiday and portray as If I was really part of the family. My pain became my existence. I became the darkness. I ate it. I became it. Like freaking bang.

What I realized was I wasn't worthy for those I was around. I learned to love all the parts of me that they disliked so much, and I started showing up as the darkness BUT also showing that there is beauty found in darkness.

My childhood is a huge reason why I wanted a space for those to be heard. For the people who were told they were to much or not enough. I wanted to share stories from others so people could learn and see things from perspectives not around us.

I became Brooklynn Bates. The version of Madeline you see today. It took healing, therapy, therapy, did I say therapy.. I became the person I needed and I owned my darkness.

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